EMOTIONAL INVALIDATION:
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Validation:
When we are validate, we feel valued, useful, and accepted. We learn to trust our emotions, and this leads to a greater sense of self. Validation reinforces our identities. People agree with us, and this makes us feel confident in what we are expressing and subsequently experiencing. Studies show that sharing our emotions serves as an important social service; it demonstrates our needs and wishes to others.
Emotional validation encourages honesty and fosters trust, helping us to feel safe and secure in our relationship. We help them feel heard. Validating our partner's feelings helps them to feel that we are listening and care about them. Everybody needs to feel like they have a voice.
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Emotions:
Your feelings are valid. Your feelings matter. Emotions serve an important purpose and shouldn't be ignored. For example, feeling angry, afraid, or sad tells you that something is wrong. You don't want to miss these crucial pieces of information because they can help you to take care of yourself and make decisions to keep yourself safe.
Feelings aren't right or wrong. They are a reflection of your thoughts, experiences, and perceptions, which is why two people can have the same experience, but feel differently.
What is emotional invalidation?
Emotional invalidation is when someone's feelings are denied, rejected, or dismissed. Invalidation makes someone feel as though their emotional experience is wrong. They may feel that their emotions are unacceptable, insignificant, or inaccurate.
Whatever the reason, the bottom line is that being emotionally invalidated means being told verbally or nonverbally that your feelings are not real, your emotions don't matter, and your emotional well-being isn't important.
Emotional abuse:
A pattern of invalidation is a form of emotional abuse or gaslighting. It's a denial of you or your experience. It implies that you're wrong, overreacting, or lying. It involves the process of telling someone that their internal experience is not important and can be considered a form of emotional abuse.
In a relationship or marriage emotional neglect is when a partner consistently fails to notice, attend to, and respond in a timely manner to a partner or spouse's feelings.
Invalidating feelings is toxic behavior that most therapists deem abusive. What makes it even trickier is that invalidation is often accidental. People frequently say the wrong things with the best intentions. The frequency with which it happens is why emotional invalidation is a profoundly hurtful, insidious form of abuse.
What does emotional invalidation look like?
The most common forms of invalidation include blaming, judging, denying, and minimizing your feelings or experiences. Invalidation isn't just disagreeing. it says: I don't care about your feelings. Your feelings don't matter. Your feelings are wrong. It can be non-verbal: rolling your eyes, ignoring, leaving the room
Invalidation looks like:
you're overly sensitive
you probably took it too personally
you will get over it
just let it go
you are a strong person
it could be worse
God doesn't give you more than you can handle
everything happens for a reason
I know exactly how you feel
you should not be angry
don't be sad
To discuss, the key is not to get into a debate about who is right or wrong: but to set a boundary that states how you want to be treated and to leave the situation if your needs are not respected.
It is important to form relationships with people who love and respect you, who care about your feelings and want to understand who you are and how you feel.
Emotional invalidation isn't easily identified.
"Everyone has problems. Get over it." playing "oppression olympics" is rarely a good idea. Yes, everyone has problems. But that doesn't mean our own pains don't hurt.
"It could be worse." Everything could always be worse! But that doesn't mean what's happened isn't bad or hurtful." It's exceptionally dismissive.
Emotional invalidation is often delivered with a casual tone as if part of an ordinary conversation. It can be disguised as a semi-supportive comment, something like, "I know you feel bad, but you shouldn't feel that way."
Those who have a pattern of disregarding their partners feelings are usually unwilling to accept that their actions are hurtful. Their emotional blindness is often due to a lack of introspection into their own painful feelings, which are likely driving their invalidating behavior towards others.
People who have a pattern of denying their partner's feeling typically have a long term psychological injury that causes inner shame, which is a deep sense of being inadequate. When they listen to their partner's raw emotions, it can easily trigger painful feelings they have about themselves.
What is the effect of emotional invalidation?
This can lead to considerable confusion and self-doubt. The person who is invalidated may actually end up questioning their reality or their response to things. This can lead to self-blame and feelings of low self-worth.
Invalidation can be one of the most damaging issues in a relationship. It can cause the invalidated partner to feel as though they are crazy.
A relationship with emotional invalidation lacks emotional safety. Emotional safety is the foundation of healthy and meaningful relationships that are anchored in openness, vulnerability, and intimacy with each other.
Some signs that the other person has low empathy: cutting you off emotionally, walking away and refusing to discuss your feelings, even after they have calmed down, shutting you down while you're speaking or cutting you off from speaking.
In both instances, it has far-reaching negative consequences for the relationship. As humans, we are relational beings.
Effects of emotional invalidation:
1) deep feelings of emptiness and feeling lonely, even when in a relationship
2) feeling unheard, unseen, or misunderstood
3) chronic feelings of guilt, shame, depression, or anxiety
miscommunication or a severing of communication (keeping communication shallow or superficial)
4) avoiding emotional intimacy or vulnerability
5) selfish or self-serving behaviors that may affect the other person
6) acting without thinking
7)inability to relate, empathize,
8) emotional dysregulation (often vacillating between shutting down or lashing out)
Internalizing these negative messages about our worth, emotional state, and personhood can erect high mental health hurdles
Invalidation often leads to emotional distancing, conflict, and disruption in relationships, as well as feelings of loneliness, worthlessness, confusion, and inferiority in the affected individual.
Learn to listen to your inner wisdom and trust it.
Create affirmations and repeat them daily. I will honor my feelings. They ground me in my authentic self and help me protect my well - being.
Understand my other issues: I have unresolved issues, such as people-pleaser, low self-esteem and tend to self-doubt.
Invalidation occurs when a person is made to believe that their needs, feelings, or lived emotional experiences don't matter.
feeling creed:
I respect and honor myself when I pay attention to and accept my feelings.
I will try to slow down and make time to notice how I feel. I know that my feelings matter and I will value the truth and wisdom they contain. Others may try to invalidate my experiences and feelings, but I will hold on to my truth.
I can hold on to my truth and also remain open to other people's perspectives as long as there is mutual respect. I am learning to distinguish between people who invalidate and disrespect me and those who are curious and interested but have different experiences and feelings that my own.
I can chose not to spend time with people who continue to invalidate my experiences and feelings. I will choose to surround myself with people who support my healing ad growth, who push me to be a better person, and who leave me feeling better about myself--not worse.
I can validate my feelings by reminding myself that all feelings are acceptable and have a purpose; my feelings matter and they are not wrong.