"Be thankful for messes. For through the mess - growth, opportunity, and learning occur."
Green paint is splattered everywhere. Walls that were once white, floors that were brown, marble that was white, now all covered in green paint. Previously it was legos, puzzle pieces, race car tracks, alphabet letters, pirates, army men, game pieces, you name it, that were all over the floor. And most likely I’ve tripped over these pieces barefoot many times. Not to mention endless nerf bullets, crayons, markers and lipstick on walls, and fingernails etching tic tac toe and initials in leather furniture. Now it was green paint all over our dining room!
Life with boys is messy and loud! They also eat a lot - all the time- I’m talking 3 square meals, plus an extra dinner and late night dessert, and several substantial snacks throughout the day. But this post is not about how much teenage boys eat! This is about how to truly embrace the chaos kids and teenagers make. Not ignore, or merely tolerate, but actually embrace the chaos. This doesn’t mean that you can allow kids to be completely lazy, disrespectful slobs. But it does mean recognizing that a certain amount of disarray is normal, and oftentimes, wonderful things comes out of temporary disorder.
.
The story I want to tell is about my oldest son Max when he was about 15 1/2. We had taken my middle son, Stewart, paint balling with his friends to celebrate his 13th birthday. Max stayed home as we had a full van with Stewart’s friends. At the paintball park, one can purchase a paint grenade to aid in the action. You can throw the grenade and when the trigger is pulled, the grenade spins and sprays paint every direction in about a 5 foot radius. Stewart loved the paint grenades and bought a few, and brought one home as a souvenir. He was very excited about it and eagerly told Max about it upon returning home. Stewart at least had the sense to have left the grenade in the garage. Max wanting to examine the grenade, brought it into the house and into the dining room. Our house is completely open where the kitchen opens entirely up into the dining room. Max while playing around with the grenade, “accidentally” pulled the trigger. The grenade opens and spins out of his hands, spraying bright green paint five feet every direction covering floor, ceiling, windows, dining table and marble fireplace with neon green paint.
Our bright white ceiling and dark wood floor, was now a splattering of green. Shocked, angry and in disbelief, a few choice words are said. Amid much cursing, the five of us, clean up the mess on hands, knees and ladders to reach the floor and ceiling. Thankfully it was water based and came off rather easily, and eventually the mess was cleaned up.
The story continues four months later, when in September, we also took my youngest son Weston paint balling for his birthday. Again Max stayed home as this was only an 11 year old day.
This time upon coming home from Weston’s paintball party, we had a metaphorical green paint explosion. I say this because Max’s favorite color has always been green and upon arriving home, Max greets us with the news that he had gotten a job as a host at a local sushi restaurant and was supposed to start training the next day! Max had done this without asking us ahead of time, and had taken an uber to and from the restaurant to have an interview and get hired. While one may think we should applaud his efforts, we were very opposed to him working now. Summer time, yes, of course! But now he was just starting his sophomore year, was taking a very challenging course loaded with several AP classes, and we knew how important it was for him to get a high GPA.
Furthermore, Max is trying to get his Eagle Scout rank for Boy Scouts, is involved in church group, was playing lacrosse and generally needed free time for his friends and to have down time.
Not to mention, Max did not have his drivers license yet, so he would need to be driven to and from work 5:00pm -9:00pm a few days a week as it was too far to bike.
But Max doesn't take no for an answer very well. Max is very persistent and stayed at it, arguing that working would make him manage his time better. Not only would he make money and learn valuable skills, but his time management would be much better and thus it would help him study more. I bought into his time management argument because I truly feel that the busier I am, the more efficient and productive I am. He sold me. So with a few qualifications, I gave him the ok to work. So I call this the metaphorical green paint grenade with implications much farther than a 5 foot radius.
So the question is: is good parenting being flexible, listening to your children and when they present you with a persuasive argument changing your original opinion and letting them try something you had been opposed to? Or is it more important to hold rigid to your rules as we as adults have perspective and experience?
In this case, Max was asking to work and not engage in some destructive behavior. Yet, from our own experience, I knew that this was going to be too much on his plate at this time. Max ended up working 2-4 shifts a week, (8-16 hours a week) for 3 months.
Did his grades suffer? Yes! But he also learned a lot. He learned about tax. He was shocked about how much was withheld from his paycheck for taxes. And working for $11.50 an hour, he learned how the money he earned from a hard 4 hour shift did not go very far. That said, he was able to buy himself a new x box, have adequate spending money and put a few hundred dollars in his savings account. He quit at Christmas time as he didn't want to work over his 2 week break and decided that when school resumed he needed to dedicate more time to his studies. So all and all, this metaphorical paint ball mess took three months to clean up but Max learned some valuable lessons in the process.
Physical messes are part of life and can be cleaned up fairly easily. But as the boys get older, the issues they encounter get more complicated and take longer to resolve. Hard to always know how to handle these real issues! I don't pretend to have the right answers. I am learning by trial and error, and believe me, I've made a lot of mistakes.
But be thankful for the messes! For through the mess --growth, opportunity and learning occur. I remember this lesson every time I think I see green spots on my dining room ceiling.
Comments